Mom?

Yeah?

Do you know who Gandhi is?

Yes.

He taught people about peace.

Yes, he did.

When did he die?

Hmmm, I’m not sure.  Maybe the 60’s?

How old was he?

I don’t really know, maybe in his 80’s?

How did he die?

I don’t know. We’ll have to look it up.

Mom?

Yes?

Why are the days shorter in the winter when the earth is turning the same every day?

Ummm, I don’t know.  I think it’s because of the way the earth is tilted.

But why? The day is always 24 hours. But in the winter there is less daytime than in the summer.
You’re right. We’ll have to look it up.

Every night, after the lights are out, is when my children dig up the best questions. Not just the, “how many hours are in a day”-type questions, but the, “WHY are there 24 hours in a day”-type questions.  

I realize we’ve come to a point, particularly with my 5 year old, that she’s asking questions to which many times I just don’t know the answers.

It’s amazing.  Amazing how much she knows, how much she’s curious about, and the depth of thinking she’s doing to come up with these questions.  And yet, at the same time, I can’t help but feel a sense of disappointment in myself when I don’t know the answer to their questions.  I’m MOM; I should know, right?  So, I’ve fallen back on the, “we’ll have to look it up” response.  And many times, we DO look it up, but I often forget.

I want to remember – for her – for them both – and to actively go to the internet and search with them the next day for answers to their questions.  Their sense of curiosity and wonder is so keen right now, as is their ability to process & save information; I want to take advantage of that, and not squelch it just because I didn’t know the answer. 

I’m thinking of keeping a notepad right outside the bedroom door, and jotting down the questions I didn’t have answers for after they fall asleep, so that the next day we actually CAN look up the information.

How do YOU answer the difficult questions?

So, just like that, I can go from unknown to published. Who needs novels when 140 character obersevations of under-couch contents will suffice? Perhaps my previous assertion that Twittering isn’t really writing was misguided. Because, apparently, my 15 minutes of fame starts…now:

Thank you to @mmiller0912 & @k8zeez for alerting me to the fact that one of my tweets has been mentioned on page 12 in the February 2010 issue of Parents magazine. Wahoo!

One of my resolutions this year is to more effectively & consistently use peaceful, positive discipline with my children.  I strive to connect with them, and teach (the right message) with every interaction; even if that interaction is one of a corrective/disciplinary nature.  Teaching children a certain behavior is undesirable doesn’t have to include anger, punishment, shame, or isolation. And it should include empathy, kindness, and natural consequences. I don’t achieve perfection every time, and do make mistakes. But I strive to learn from my parenting mistakes, to forgive myself for those I make, and move on with better tools in my toolbox (and leave the ones that don’t work in the garbage).

Positive discipline is so important to fostering not just good behavior in children, but more importantly, in developing a fully functional internal guidance system. What distresses me, is that for the overwhelming attitude of adults, “well behaved” is the penultimate goal for children. And because of this belief, any and every method should be used to achieve this in your children.  Punitive or not. Logical or not. I believe it’s a misguided objective, and leads ultimately to frustration. Unfortunately, it begins in babyhood with most - with the unreasonable expectation of producing a “good” baby: one who doesn’t fuss, and who sleeps through the night – and continues on through childhood with the “good” child who doesn’t talk back or tantrum or rebel. It’s as though people have forgotten that when babies cry, and children test limits, they do so from a natural, normal place of need: needing to be held, needing attention, needing to be gently guided. They are asking to be taught, not punished. They don’t come into this world knowing anything. And so, every interaction we have with them teaches them something.  Don’t we want to make sure that what we’re teaching is what we actually want them to learn? 

I fear that in an effort to make children more convenient, parents are resorting punishments and techniques aimed at quieting instead of actually parenting, and teaching: getting to the root of what the baby is trying to say or what the child is trying to learn or express.  Take “cry it out” for example, used rampantly by parents as a means of “teaching” babies to sleep.  While it may work in the short term – and achieve (at least temporarily) the goal of the quiet sleeping baby, it hasn’t actually taught the baby the intended lesson. Baby didn’t learn that sleep is a peaceful state, or to willingly go to bed.  Instead, baby has learned that no one comes when they cry, so stop crying.  That nighttime is a time of loneliness and discomfort.  What this translates to in the long term is a sense of defeatism, lowered self worth, and detachment from parents.  It may achieve a quiet “good” baby, but at what cost?

The same goes for the typical punishments of childhood: spanking, parent-determined consequences, and coerced/enforced/isolation timeouts. Don’t hit, or I’ll spank you.  Don’t talk back or I’ll put you in a time out & I’ll tell you when to get out.  Certainly, the hypocrisy of hitting as a punishment for hitting is obvious. But what about the less obvious parent-determined punishments like timeouts?  I say that punitive discipline (as opposed to natural/logical consequences) only serve to teach children this: Don’t do what parents don’t want you to do; with one big caveat: while they’re watching.  You see, unless you teach children WHY hitting isn’t an acceptable form of expressing frustration – and unless you give them alternative methods of expression, they WILL continue to hit, they’ll just do it when mom isn’t looking.  Kids may appear to behave, but unless they have an understanding of why, and how, the “good behavior” is in appearance only.  Wouldn’t you rather a child have the ability to self-control, instead of behaving only due to external control? A kid who can understand that we don’t hit because it hurts another person, and hurting another person feels awful to me, and to them, and instead I should walk away before I hit, or use my words to express my frustration, is SO MUCH better prepared for life than the child who doesn’t hit because Mom is in the room & doesn’t want to get in trouble. 

To this effort, I strive for more thoughtfulness, and less reactivity in my responses to my childrens’ unwanted behaviors. I keep a keen eye on my own actions and responses, as children learn most from what they see & do than from what they hear.  I DO tolerate more that perhaps is typically expected, because I don’t think just “being good” is good enough for my kids, or for me as a parent.  I expect my children to learn from their behavior as I learn from mine. In my previous post, I mentioned the Positive Discipline parenting cards.  The one I chose for this week seems appropriate to this post:

If you're interested in positive discipline, and getting away from punishment, you may find these articles & sites helpful:

Positive Discipline Methods
What is Discipline?
How Children Really React to Control
The Case Against Time-Out

I love the positive renewing energy that comes from a new year – and with 2010, we start a new decade!

In that spirit, here’s my list of things to improve upon, goals to reach, and things that I will do in 2010:  

1)     Get Healthier. Okay, yes, #1 is uber-cliché & conventional as far as New Year’s resolutions go.  But who couldn’t be healthier? Personally, I need to increase my HDL (“good cholesterol”) and reduce my TSH (thyroid level).  To achieve these goals, I have three things in mind: exercise more, eat more raw, fresh food, and keep better tabs on what exactly I DO put into my body & how much I actually DO exercise.  Fortunately, we have an elliptical machine, a fantastic Blendtec smoother blender which makes super-good fruit & veggie smoothies, and my ever-present pal, iPhone.  With all these convenient, modern technologies how can I not get back to a place of better health?  Of course, losing a bit of weight & getting stronger in the process are, of course, nice side benefits! :)

2)     Practice peaceful, positive discipline with my children more consistently and effectively! I recently purchased a pack of 52 cards to help me stay on track, called “Positive Discipline Parenting Tools: 52 Cards to Improve Your Parenting Skills”. The ideas presented on the cards are fantastic reminders to stay kind, positive, encouraging, and consistent in your interactions with your children.  They suggest positive discipline techniques without overusing praise or punishment. Just perusing some of the cards, I’ve found them to be helpful in making a natural progression from the Attachment Parenting techniques we’ve used with our children as infants/toddlers to preschoolers! If you’re interested in the cards, I purchased them here (not my site & I’m not affiliated, just had a good experience with my online purchase). 

3)     Read 10 books.  Now, ten may not sound that lofty to most.  Frankly it’s not to me either.  But with working, parenting, homemaking, gardening, blogging, etc., one of my favorite pastimes, reading, often gets left by the wayside, so I’m being realistic here folks. One book every 1.25 months I can do. I have 7 on my bedside table, ready to go. In fact, I just cracked the first one open!

4)     Write. More. Often. I so enjoy writing, yet like many other time consuming personal activities, since having children, I’ve pushed it to the backburner. So, 2010 is the year to bring quadrant two (non urgent, important [Don’t know what I’m talking about? Here's a quick review of Steven Covey’s Quadrants] to the forefront, and push quadrant 4 (non urgent, not important) to the background. And when I say write, I’m not talking about Twitter - because while it’s a fun place to share information – the time spent “writing” on twitter (and I use quotations as 140 characters dsnt leav mch rm 2 actuly wrt) could be much more productively spent actually writing. Like in my blog, or my novel (oh yes, I WILL complete it).

5)     Seeing Dave Matthews w/Tim Reynolds in concert. Yes, this is on my new years resolution list.  Why? It’s been nearly 20 years since I’ve had a real concert EXPERIENCE.  I’m craving one again, and from everything I’ve read, Dave will pull through for me.  I wasn't more than a sometimes fan of Dave Matthews until about two years ago when I stumbled upon his & Tim Reynolds’ Live at Radio City video on the home theatre display with my daughter in an unnamed big box store.  We sat & watched, entranced.  What a performer! Been a big fan ever since (and even got Adam hooked too). Its time to experience it in person!
 

So there you have it:  Get healthier, parent better, read more, write more, and see a good show.  That shouldn’t be too hard, right?  I’m up for the challenge! Who’s with me? I’d love to hear your resolutions – please share your comments!   

But I  -
I love it when you sing to me
And you -
You can sing me anything

~Peter Gabriel

And to my children, I have sung pretty much anything & everything to help them to sleep.  As a teen & 20-something, I sang in several choirs.  Many of those songs stayed with me; so naturally, when I became a lullaby-singing parent (to a colicky infant who required constant motion & song) my favorite English Madrigals, Sacred Songs, and Spirituals came right to mind. I admit, to not only not knowing (or bothering to learn) many “lullabies”, but to preferring interesting lyric & melody over repetitive humdrum (think Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star – ack!). As a result most of what I’ve sung as stand-ins are neither particularly light nor baby-related.  Not that rock-a-bye baby is light of lyric. Baby falling from a tree – sheesh.

Yet, certain songs I love to sing, and as a bonus, over the years I’ve found really work well to help baby (or toddler, or child) sleep. (Babies don’t care one lick what the words are; just keep singing.  And toddlers think my Latin is hilarious).

I’ll share with you some of my most beloved bedtime songs (random choirs on you tube just so you can get the tune – I do not vouch for the quality!):

Ride The Chariot (my son’s favorite)

I'm gonna ride the chariot
In the morning Lord
I'm gonna ride

Ride the chariot
In the morning Lord

I’m getting ready for the judgment day

My Lord, My Lord

Are you ready my brother/sister?

Oh yes

Are you ready for the journey

Oh yes

Do you want to see your Jesus

Oh yes, I’m waiting for the chariot ‘cause I’m ready to go

I never will forget that day
When all my sins were taken away
My feet were snatched from the miry clay

Blow The Candles Out  (my daughter’s favorite)

When I was ‘prenticed in Plymouth

I went to see my dear

The candles they were a-burning, the moon shone bright and clear

I knocked upon her window to ease her of her pain

She rose to let me in, then she barred the door again.

I like your good behavior darling, thus I often say

That I cannot rest contented while you are far away.

The winds they are so cold, that we cannot stay there out

So roll me in your arms, love, and blow the candles out.

Now Father & Mother in yonder room do lie

A-hugging one another, so why not you & I

A-hugging one another without a fear or doubt

So roll me in your arms, love, and blow the candles out.

Psallite! 

Psallite unigenito
Christo, Dei Filio,
Psallite Redemptori,
Domino, puerulo
jacenti in praesepio.
Ein kleines Kindelein liegt in dem Krippelein.
Alle lieben Engelein dienen dem Kindelein
und singen ihm fein.
Psallite unigenito...

(English Translation: Sing Your Psalms!

Sing your psalms to Christ,
the begotten Son of God,
sing your psalms to the Redeemer,
to the Lord, the little Child
lying in a manger bed.
A small Child lies in the manger.
All the blessed angels fall before Him
and sing.
Sing...)

The Silver Swan

The silver swan who living had no note
When death approached unlocked her silent throat
Leaning her breast against the reedy shore
Thus sung her first and last and sung no more:
Farewell all joys oh death come close my eyes
More geese than swans now live, more fools than wise

If Ye Love Me

If ye love me,
keep my commandments,
and I will pray the Father,
and he shall give you another comforter,
that he may abide with you forever,
e'en the spirit of truth.

Please share with me YOUR favorite bedtime songs!

Last night, my 2 yo had his first night terror. My 5 yo has not had them.  She’s awoken scared, had nightmares before, but last night was something different.  My son came running down the hall, screaming.  Blood curdling scream, like the kind that rips you out of a deep sleep in a sense of complete panic. I didn’t know where I was, where he was, I just knew he was terrified and I needed to save him – NOW. He was silhouetted in my bedroom doorway – the hallway nightlight illuminated behind him – he was rigid in fear – looking behind him and I ran to him & picked him up.  He was so terrified, gripped my neck in a panic & didn’t even cry for a couple of minutes – I believe he was still sleeping.  I just held him & let him know it was okay.  In a few minutes, I could tell he’d fully awoken and I helped him back to bed.  I told him he’d had a scary dream.  I asked him if he remembered it. He said yes.  I asked what it was about & he said: “Something was coming.  Something scary.”  My heart ached for him. I laid next to him while he settled back into sleep – and thankfully he slept peacefully the remainder of the night.

I have had night terrors my whole life.  My father had night terrors. I’d always assumed my children would.  Yet, when my daughter had not, I thought: hey, maybe we lucked out!  Maybe this peaceful, attachment parenting thing really works!  You’d think I’d have been ready for this.  Yet, when it happened last night, I didn’t feel ready.  I empathized with his terror, yet I felt so helpless.  I don’t want my children to have night terrors yet I can do nothing to stop it. Its not a good feeling to have.

I’ve posted on message boards & on twitter, sympathizing with & trying to reassure mothers who have experienced night terrors in their children; thinking somehow that my own personal experience would offer some help to them.  However, I’m not sure, now, having experienced one with my son, that anything really helps you get comfortable with being awoken by the panicked scream of your child. Experiencing it makes you want to know why & what. All those things that I’ve just gotten used to in myself, and dismissed as just part of my life, now I want to FIX for my baby. Yet, I know this isn’t something to be fixed.  It just is what it is. Its not damaging, and its not indicative of anything other a hereditary propensity towards an overactive mind in sleep. There’s some comfort in that.

Over the years, I’ve done some research into night terrors.  I’ve wanted to know why I have them, or at least know if other people have had them & what they are like for others. 

Unfortunately, the “why’s” of what really causes night terrors are still mostly unknown. Here’s what I do know about night terrors:

They are most common in young children, and usually go away on their own with time (typically by age 12, though many adults have them as well).

There is a hereditary component:  Parents who have/had night terrors often have children who experience night terrors.

They occur only in stage 4 (non-REM) sleep (which makes them different from nightmares which happen in any stage of sleep)

They don’t signify an underlying psychological problem.

Some people remember their night terrors after waking, some do not.

People having a night terror are typically not aware of what’s going on around them, and may not be able to be awakened.  They may appear awake, breathing quickly, high heart rate, but are still sleeping.

Many people see animals or people threatening them; but the things they see (spiders, etc.) are not the things they are typically afraid of during waking hours.

They tend to happen more often when a person is overtired or over stimulated.

Night terrors on their own are not harmful though they can occur with sleepwalking – so room should be safe from objects on which children could hurt themselves; top-of-stairs gates should be closed.

There is some evidence of a link to hypoglycemia.

Some tips from my own experience:

Comfort & hug the person having the night terror – speak & move gently.

Gently waking is okay, though never force a waking – its sometimes even more frightening to be woken during/after a night terror, because at least in my experience, it takes me time to reacclimatize to “reality” vs. dream state, I’m very agitated (heart rate can get up between 160 – 170 in studies done on night terrors) and I can’t fall back to sleep easily.

Sleeping with an air purifier (for white noise), and no nightlight helps me immensely because my stage 4 sleep is not interrupted by sudden noises or light (these are both triggers for me).

Unfamiliar places tend to trigger my night terrors (say, on vacation). Before sleep in these instances, I make sure to familiarize myself with the room. 

I try to eat something small before bed – some yogurt, a banana, etc.

I do hope that my son will outgrow night terrors – he’s only had one so far.  And maybe it will be the only one! In the meantime, I feel comfortable that they aren’t damaging, and from my experience, as annoying as they may be long-term, there are certainly worse things someone could live with.

A few sites about night terrors that may be helpful:

Night Terrors Resource Center

Dr. Sears – Night Terrors

Wikipedia: Night Terror/Pavor Nocturnus

National Institute of Health